I’m doing so good at doing bad I can’t believe it myself. Or simply put, here’s a chaotic summary of the current state of my mind no one will read.
Well, I got this idea, just what could help me from my so called misery? As much as it may sound awkward, pathethic and just plain stupid, I need somebody to love and somebody to love me back. The hard part is, it’s not like I’m satisfied with anybody. Nah, I’m slowly becoming that kind of person that’s easy to talk to about random stuff, I realize many people find me nice and enjoy my company. I worked hard on this one, because I’ve always been that little shit you can’t approach, that person people have a hard time getting along with ‘cause I was showing literally no interest at all. I was just lucky to meet people that were sociable and talkative enough to break that shit barrier I had on anytime I met a stranger. But then I thought to myself: “What if I miss out on meeting an amazing person only because he’s just as bubbled up into himself as I am?” So I began visiting crowded bars. At first, a few glasses of wine helped me to be all smiles and bright like I was just farted out by a unicorn. I had this mindset that I’m in no way anything less than the people around me and if I don’t leave a bad impression on purpose, why would they think anything bad about me? I made a lot of new friends just by driving around villages one night with one of my friends. I like going to this one village I used to visit for the past few summers. But these days I really look forward to going there because I met a bunch of folks I became instantly close with. To get to my point I left behind, I feel like I’m being overly picky. I’m getting those moods when I feel down often and I feel like I can’t afford to pity myself now. And in order to not do that I need someone to help me out ‘cause I’m weaker when I’m on my own. Not anyone, it’s a someone. Actually I’m pretty weak when I know I’m left alone for something. But I can’t complain, ‘cause I’m not sure if I complain to the right person. Making new friends comes with those awkward situations when you mention being lonely and the other person understands it as an offer to comfort each other somehow. And the old me is here again, getting all annoyed when someone tries to approach me more closely. I don’t even know what I’m trying to reach but I know I’m starting to become a real bitch. No, seriously, a bitch. The one that toys with other people’s emotions for no particular reason. I want to know people closer, I’m nice to them, then I find out they tire me and hurt them. I can’t find anyone that would catch my interest. I don’t want to fall in love, I’m not searching for a partner. More like, a mate? I don’t want to use anyone, I’m just desperate. I use the word “despair” in almost every post I write on here since the day I started this blog. Pretty sad, isn’t it? Anyways, yup, I’m in search for someone simple and honest and it’s bugging me I can’t find real honesty in anyone. Maybe I just can’t see it, I don’t know. Honestly I don’t have an answer to my question, I don’t know what could help me, I’m only guessing what might help. A hug or a cuddle might do. I miss cuddles. And I miss talking ‘til the sun rises. I miss those gold days, there weren’t many, but I remember how I felt with those special people. On those special days. Special nights. And I want it all back so I’m searching for someone who might take me on an adventure. Pretty lame if you ask me.
Another thing that’s making me kinda sad is that I’m supposed to find a job. And I can’t say I wasn’t searching for one, it’s just that I realized I really, REALLY don’t want to work my ass off and come home tired unable to do anything except eat, wash, sleep. I don’t want to spend my days that way. And my relatives are saying I have to, I don’t have options, I can’t pick if I want to or not, I just have to because that’s how everyone does it. I’m not lazy, I’m just upset about the system how shit “works”. This one kind lady that helped me to fill out some very important papers asked me what I want to do, what type of work, how do I want to make money. I said, “I don’t know, I enjoy doing makeup, taking photos, maybe if I tried something, if I got an opportunity…” and suddenly she answered: “What? Are you serious? I didn’t ask you what you enjoy doing, I asked you what work are you capable of doing. If someone is looking for a makeup artist or a photographer, they won’t be searching amongst grammar school graduates.” Sigh. I love being creative. The place and state of mind I’m in right now is ruining me. I seriously can feel how I got locked out of the room I had saved for imagination in my head. It’s like I’m allowed to draw with the liner only, I can’t sketch with a pencil, I can’t really describe it but I feel that way. Not allowed to sketch anymore. And I’m being kinda paranoid. As if there is always something I have to prepare for tomorrow and I feel like I won’t make it in time. Then I realize, lol, nothing awaits me tomorrow. Not even the day after tomorrow. Not even a week later. Sad.
I really needed to sum things up for myself. I might just get back to this months later and smile I’m already through it like I always do. So for now, what really matters is being strong both for me and my mom. I’m not in the position to be making plans for the near future, I’ll just see what life brings my way and maybe catch a good opportunity. They came in the past as well, I just didn’t realize they were that precious. But I’m sure more will come. And clouds will pass. Being a strong woman is a nice part-goal after all.