owl tattoo done by http://www.daemons-tattoo.sk/
submitted by http://nicole-mays.tumblr.com
Dear you, years have passed. 1/4 of my life, dedicated to you. That’s a period long enough to not be unreal, yet it still feels like a dream. You know, dreams, you want to tell someone about them and you suddenly can’t remember half of the things you swore to yourself you won’t forget and then there’s the other half, the one that made you realize you’re just dreaming because what you experienced in that dream is not even slightly close to reality. That’s how I feel about you. You, who made me this way. Honestly, I sometimes ask myself whether everything’s okay with me, if it’s alright to feel like this. I’m kinda scared because there’s this one quarter of my life I don’t remember clearly. I remember moments, I remember how I felt, I remember everything about you so well I could tell it’s you with just one touch while being blindfolded. But I don’t remember myself, just what the hell was I doing for five years? I… don’t know. It wasn’t anything important. Actually I’m so screwed all the time. I can’t pay attention, I lost something. I can pretty much tell I don’t miss you anymore, but I miss everything about you. Geez, I’m pathetic. Anyways, we were either too hot or too cold. And so blind. And I liked you so much. Will I be able to forget that? When we talked, and even now, I get so mad at you it’s driving me crazy. I always wanted to talk to you, I was excited to hear from you and everytime we talked, you made me mad. Too hot. Too cold. Your personality, your attitude, your words, they were so annoying, so rude, so arrogant I used to lay down to bed wanting to slap you so hard you’ll get a nosebleed countless times. It’s dumb I loved someone like that, it’s dumb how much I loved you. But I have no regrets, I’m being honest. I never thought I’d be so reckless for someone. And, you were the best thing that happened to me. From what I remember, shit we’ve been through makes me smile. I’m not planning to take anything from what you gave me to another relationship and I hope you, too, won’t do that. Now I’m off of this site for another month or two. And you, please take care.
So today i went to the vet and they say she has a heart disease and cancer another tumor is growing out and it’s breast cancer so it’s very huge and it would be hard to operate as she is all skins and bones now her hair is also starting to fall off as well and the fees are gonna cost more than thousands and it can only buy her some time. She’s only 5+ yrs of age and my only one. My mom just passed away from cancer too wtf is going on. Last year my grandpa died of cancer too and i’m so afraid my aunt would have breast cancer because there’s symptoms and my grandma might have stroke and i might have issues as well but i don’t want to be left all alone i don’t have a father either nor any siblings and my aunt is a butch so she isn’t married and she isn’t very young anymore so is my grandma. If anyone is willing to help out let me know thanks i won’t bother or force you it’s your choice i decide to put down my pride for this.
She’s still beautiful you should feel her in real life it really felt exactly how mom was before she passed all skins and bones
Why do I always end up being the annoying mood ruiner for people whom are the most important to me? I guess it’s because I don’t care about others. Others don’t have the ability to make me sad, happy, or simply feel some deeper emotion. So I don’t really have the urge to tell them how I feel, I don’t talk about personal stuff and feelings with the majority of people I could consider my “friends”. Then there are these two or three folks I don’t call friends, honestly I don’t know how to name that category they belong into. Let’s just call them “those that can cause a breakdown in me without even saying a word”. So these people can make me instantly happy when I’m feeling shitty, but for some reason, they somehow decide to make me upset most of the time. I’m still not sure if that’s ever intentional, hopefully not. They are massively different from each other, but one thing they have in common is that in the end of every argument I become the retard who ruined their mood and I end up feeling apologetic. But I have arguments with these people only… Isn’t that strange? I don’t care about others, I never tell them they did this or that wrong and made me feel shitty ‘cause they just can’t do that. When a person that’s close to me upsets me, I immediately tell them how I feel, I tell them they suck for upsetting me, I tell them they make me feel like a piece of crap and I feel like I don’t deserve that. Is that really a reason to feel apologetic? I don’t know. I’m confused. I can’t handle arguments, I just want to tell them what they’re doing is hurting me, I want them to pay attention to what makes me feel shitty, I just desperately want someone to take care of me and try to comfort me when I tell them I’m upset.
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here, might be my worst goddamn post, seriously. I just want you to know, if you are reading this and you know I’m talking about you, stop being like that. Because sometimes I hate you. Hate you so much for blaming me in the end. Hate you for wasting your time on others and ignoring me. Hate you for making me feel like shit and then telling me to do something about it. Hate you for making me feel humiliated. Hate you for making me cry and then leaving me with a “good night, actually I hope you don’t fall asleep ‘cause I’m mad at you”. I hate you so much for not realizing I’m struggling ‘cause I can’t put up with this shit alone and you just don’t see it. I hate you for not giving a fuck that you ended up being the most important person in my life. And lastly I hate myself because I care about a person that doesn’t even seem to try to make me feel like I am worth something.
Don’t take me wrong, I love you. I just hate you for not loving me back.
If you see me laughing while texting, there’s a very high possibility I’m laughing at something I wrote, ‘cause I’m so fuckin hilarious sometimes even I can’t handle it
I think people shouldn’t marry a person whom they can’t call their best friend. A person that makes you cry from laughter, someone you’re never uncomfortable with and don’t ever have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of. Someone who holds your hand through your darkest moments. Someone who doesn’t wipe your tears, he just always lends that shoulder you can cry on. And someone, whose passion and strenght can strike right through you. A love like that won’t dilute.
I’m doing so good at doing bad I can’t believe it myself. Or simply put, here’s a chaotic summary of the current state of my mind no one will read.
Well, I got this idea, just what could help me from my so called misery? As much as it may sound awkward, pathethic and just plain stupid, I need somebody to love and somebody to love me back. The hard part is, it’s not like I’m satisfied with anybody. Nah, I’m slowly becoming that kind of person that’s easy to talk to about random stuff, I realize many people find me nice and enjoy my company. I worked hard on this one, because I’ve always been that little shit you can’t approach, that person people have a hard time getting along with ‘cause I was showing literally no interest at all. I was just lucky to meet people that were sociable and talkative enough to break that shit barrier I had on anytime I met a stranger. But then I thought to myself: “What if I miss out on meeting an amazing person only because he’s just as bubbled up into himself as I am?” So I began visiting crowded bars. At first, a few glasses of wine helped me to be all smiles and bright like I was just farted out by a unicorn. I had this mindset that I’m in no way anything less than the people around me and if I don’t leave a bad impression on purpose, why would they think anything bad about me? I made a lot of new friends just by driving around villages one night with one of my friends. I like going to this one village I used to visit for the past few summers. But these days I really look forward to going there because I met a bunch of folks I became instantly close with. To get to my point I left behind, I feel like I’m being overly picky. I’m getting those moods when I feel down often and I feel like I can’t afford to pity myself now. And in order to not do that I need someone to help me out ‘cause I’m weaker when I’m on my own. Not anyone, it’s a someone. Actually I’m pretty weak when I know I’m left alone for something. But I can’t complain, ‘cause I’m not sure if I complain to the right person. Making new friends comes with those awkward situations when you mention being lonely and the other person understands it as an offer to comfort each other somehow. And the old me is here again, getting all annoyed when someone tries to approach me more closely. I don’t even know what I’m trying to reach but I know I’m starting to become a real bitch. No, seriously, a bitch. The one that toys with other people’s emotions for no particular reason. I want to know people closer, I’m nice to them, then I find out they tire me and hurt them. I can’t find anyone that would catch my interest. I don’t want to fall in love, I’m not searching for a partner. More like, a mate? I don’t want to use anyone, I’m just desperate. I use the word “despair” in almost every post I write on here since the day I started this blog. Pretty sad, isn’t it? Anyways, yup, I’m in search for someone simple and honest and it’s bugging me I can’t find real honesty in anyone. Maybe I just can’t see it, I don’t know. Honestly I don’t have an answer to my question, I don’t know what could help me, I’m only guessing what might help. A hug or a cuddle might do. I miss cuddles. And I miss talking ‘til the sun rises. I miss those gold days, there weren’t many, but I remember how I felt with those special people. On those special days. Special nights. And I want it all back so I’m searching for someone who might take me on an adventure. Pretty lame if you ask me.
Another thing that’s making me kinda sad is that I’m supposed to find a job. And I can’t say I wasn’t searching for one, it’s just that I realized I really, REALLY don’t want to work my ass off and come home tired unable to do anything except eat, wash, sleep. I don’t want to spend my days that way. And my relatives are saying I have to, I don’t have options, I can’t pick if I want to or not, I just have to because that’s how everyone does it. I’m not lazy, I’m just upset about the system how shit “works”. This one kind lady that helped me to fill out some very important papers asked me what I want to do, what type of work, how do I want to make money. I said, “I don’t know, I enjoy doing makeup, taking photos, maybe if I tried something, if I got an opportunity…” and suddenly she answered: “What? Are you serious? I didn’t ask you what you enjoy doing, I asked you what work are you capable of doing. If someone is looking for a makeup artist or a photographer, they won’t be searching amongst grammar school graduates.” Sigh. I love being creative. The place and state of mind I’m in right now is ruining me. I seriously can feel how I got locked out of the room I had saved for imagination in my head. It’s like I’m allowed to draw with the liner only, I can’t sketch with a pencil, I can’t really describe it but I feel that way. Not allowed to sketch anymore. And I’m being kinda paranoid. As if there is always something I have to prepare for tomorrow and I feel like I won’t make it in time. Then I realize, lol, nothing awaits me tomorrow. Not even the day after tomorrow. Not even a week later. Sad.
I really needed to sum things up for myself. I might just get back to this months later and smile I’m already through it like I always do. So for now, what really matters is being strong both for me and my mom. I’m not in the position to be making plans for the near future, I’ll just see what life brings my way and maybe catch a good opportunity. They came in the past as well, I just didn’t realize they were that precious. But I’m sure more will come. And clouds will pass. Being a strong woman is a nice part-goal after all.
I took a listen to G-Dragon’s new album for the first time yesterday and found a lot of nice and cheerful songs there. Then I listened to it again reading along the english translation and realized all those happy melodies are hiding some fucking sad words. And now I’m sad as well. He’s always been one of my favorite artists but whenever I read his lyrics, they are expressing his depression, solitude and sadness. It’s upsetting. :[ Just thought I’d recommend you read the translation of his songs too.